typical.situation

yeah i'm behind. bury the cat, would ya?

new year is afoot. i'm not sure if i'm full prepared what this year has in store for me. i know what's all going to happen. i know the steps...the paths. i have comfy shoes to help me along my journey. and yet...i'm still apprehensive to put the feet to work.

first...i put ink on me a year ago...and i haven't lived up to the meaning of said ink. on my calf, there is a black phoenix...symbolizing a rebirth from the ashes that was my life. i think the record needle got stuck somewhere on the worst song of the B-side...and now that i've seen it's operator error, i'm looking forward to starting a new record.


this year IS about starting over. anew. whatever the hell word that tickles your fancy.

zombies might be involved.

i'm down 12 lbs as of the 20. so there's that too.

women...well....women are always going to be women. i need to find a woman...and stay away from the girls. the ones that purposely break your heart because they're cruel like that.

more music. more writing. more stories.

more focus on my 4 year old. i give her all i have now...but i'm going to give her more.


more...meaning...in my life. a new evaluation of friends is in order too.

beyond that...i'm not going to tell you what's going to happen. yeah...i know it. but it's meant to be surprising.

milkmaids.are.super

posting a regular blog starting friday. i'm excited.

random.idiocies

i gotta give it up for players and bullshitters. first, they do such things with a clear conscience. second, they get away with it and usually the victim doesn't know until AFTER the who case took place.

i start this blog out this way just because i can. i'm in an unusual state of mind today...and i need to write it all down. everything in my head. and guys...it's a lot. i haven't the slightest clue where it's all coming from, but i'm going to try to just type...and let if flow.

i'm thankful for derek being a good friend and being completely honest with me. i appreciate that i have this man in my life...who's willing to show me the part of me i won't see for myself. i appreciate your views on my past relationship...and you talking to me about shit like you did this morning...brought reality to my front door. i love you man.

i do miss cady. i miss what i had with her...and the routine that made everything so god damn perfect. i miss waking up to her, and going to sleep next to her. i know that it's all in the past and to move on...and i'm doing so. everyonceinawhile...things sneak up on me. i'm moving forward and away from you. i know you're happier now and i'm happy for you for that. i've gotta make myself happy and stop thinking about you and i'm doing so.

i went out last night. hung out with a great person. i don't know what tomorrow might bring. but i did enjoy coffee.

i hate how i feel the need to get everyone's approval on things before i do it. i'm going to stop doing that. i don't wanna party. i don't wanna drink. i just wanna live my life...take care of my little girl...and eventually get a family going. that's all. and as much of a social person as i am...this has to take precidence.

i'm scared of having to have surgery for sleep apnea. i don't want to.

i wish i was making more money...just so jillian could have everything.

i'm in a good place in my heart. and in life. i DO feel more upbeat about things. i feel free to an extant.

i wanna live at the coast. i want that lifestyle. i think it'd work good on me.

i need to have faith more. in myself...and just in general.




imma end things here. i need to work. you need to stop reading my issues. lol.

disarm.puppies

it's been 8 days since i've last posted. here's the runthrough:

had a good weekend with peanut. went to scarby, had some good times..decided i was going every weekend next year. it's just too pleasant of a place to pass up. so i'm getting season passes and going from there.

thursday i go for a sleep study. i'm not too keen on the idea...but alas...my doctor knows best (or so they say). it's to determine how bad my sleep apena is.

friday is jason's graduation. i'm proud as hell to call him my brother in law (even though it's techinically an ex brother in law.) to see him grow...makes me feel old.

got other things i need to get prepared for...the next two weekends. three. sorry...

leedy...i know you'll read this. i dig your boot. it's very rhinestone cowgirl of you. sorry that an old woman did further damnage...when you come back to visit, you should drop a line.

garage.door

alright...

whomever posted the comment on my blog last go around...(and i have ideas)...

you win. i'm done.

imagine.space

moments like these...really puzzle my mind full of doors. why must the doorknobs be so damn hot? why can i hear no sounds, smell no scents coming from within?

with every footstep, there's a creak. i can feel the roughness of the wood...the age of it's innocence...with every thunderous and echoing placement. i close my eyes while i walk...using my fingertips to scrape the walls and feel my way to something that feels right.

i'm stuck right now...in the hallway. i can't walk any further. my feet doesn't allow any movement, and i'm surrounded by a multitude of doors where i am unknown to their final destination. i feel sweat run down my back, though, it's cool to the touch. the chill inside and outside my body keeps my spine straight...it's neverending disternaty to keep me standing...


i wish to collapse. to curl up on the rough wood...and sit in my sadness. let darkness overtake me more...and keep me here.


i'm down on one knee right now. my body is making the motion to get back up, but my mind ignores it like a child's common request.


the past...it overwhelms me all of a sudden. like ghost being ordered to bring down a person. every hit...every attack on me, nothing...nothing is held back. the villian brings back subtle memories lost and forgotten in my mind...the small things...as small things in large numbers can overtake a person's soul instantly.


i have no weapons. i'm down on both knees now...


i'm losing.



i don't mind giving in. i knew the risks. i prepared myself for disappointment. i was ready to lose.

i'm alright...it'll only hurt a moment. a moment in a life full of moment. my last one won't be so bad. it won't be so hard. it's easier than i can imagine, i imagine.


my hands hold me up now...the splinters piercing into my fingers. i feel no pain...but feel pain all around me. it's getting closer and deeper. soon it'll be time...i'll be ready for the checkmate when it comes. i'll make the last stand, just to be shocked off of the ground, only to return to earth and have my final view of the world. i hear them getting ready for their move. and i brace...brace for the last feeling of finality of this faint frail fantasy.


it never comes. the energy getting to this place...was all in vain. the battle so hardly fought...

it's....


not this way.


not this time.


and i subside. i retreat back into where i came from. i listen to the music...i listen to the laughing.

i ignore everything that's happened.


i hate the way this always turns out. i know it's a lost cause...soon...hopefully...i'll get an explination for the actions of others.


i get scared...about...never finding out the truth. when i already know the answers, i look for the explinations that i'll never be able to cope with.

and my heart hates my soul for not being honest.


life.


_

bazinga.shenanigans

it was 1987...and i was standing outside my old house in mount pleasant, texas. i could tell that for some reason...i was here for a particular purpose; to witness a particular event or hear something significant.

i could smell the honeysuckle that hung from the chain-link fence. the sounds of vehicles rushing up and down edwards street. i was admiring things from an adult mind for the first time...looking at my old place with new eyes. i was no longer the child that ignored the simplicity of my childhood surroundings.

it was me. today...then. yesterday.

i heard a faint scratching sound and peered into the backyard. there, next to an old wooden fence that only connected to one side, was my old companion...D.T. in shock and unrealistic belief...i softly called to him. with a jerk of his head, he raised up from whatever frivalous, mindless task he was at...and ran towards the fence. HE was not one to turn down attention.

then...within seconds...i was running my fingers through my dogs hair. tears started to fall without warning. for this was the same dog that would later run away, escaping from our backyard, into the wild that any creature longs for. it was peaceful, giving him my last goodbye...

the back door opened. i retracted myself from the fence...and started walking down the side road away from my home and back into the darkness.

for a second...i felt like a child again.

damnation.notwithstanding

so tired.

so very tired.



very tired of giving my all. for nothing. the scars run into the veins...they cause shortness of breath...thoughts of insanity.

when a leaf falls from a tree...i wonder if she's crying...or if it's a way to shed her past. picking up the leaf, examining it...doesn't give me the answer. to crush it up, causing it to crumble into smaller pieces, feels like i do the tree no justice.

the pain that's deep within...the wayward traveler that stood the test of time...his moral is shattered. his legacy seems tarnished. will he ever find the road that has the dead end? the house...with the fence...and a swing under a tree, waiting for him at the finish line? the perfect life, for the perfect path.

i cry every night when i go to bed. i can't help it...it just happens now. there's no thoughts, there's no feelings...tears stream without force. and that scares me beyond anything i've ever experienced.

i....

below.drinking

i sit here with an empty glass...trying to erase the past...
always asking why i come in last...
the answer's still the same.

i look at my empty walls...my voice echoing through the hall...
and somehow i'll always fall...
how i hate to play this silly game.

but not knowing what you're doing now...seems to keep me sane somehow
hopefully this is all just the pain

i walk around throughout the night
crying at every memory in sight,
mixed emotions running through my head
how i'd wish for you to be here instead
love and hating you at the same time
i can never seem to get you off my mind,
and the one thing i know i'll never find...
is the love that you took away

my daughter ask for you almost every day...and it's so hard to lie then pray
that she never really finds out the way...
that you left us both behind

i'm glad that you've moved on...for me, i'm just not that strong...
but hell, who knows, i might be wrong...
the answer maybe easier to find...

but not knowing what you're doing now...seems to keep me sane somehow
hopefully this is all just the pain

i walk around throughout the night
crying at every memory in sight,
mixed emotions running through my head
how i'd wish for you to be here instead
love and hating you at the same time
i can never seem to get you off my mind,
and the one thing i know i'll never find...
is the love that you took away

i know that i'll find a way...one day, when i find the words to say...

i used to walk around almost every night,
crying every step even though i'm right...
i no longer doubt the man i am today
now that you've gone and went away
i'm doing better than what i used to be
now that i've found the truest love for me
and the one thing i promised i'd find...
is the love...you took...away.

tuxspeedo.flash

yes...it's true. the tuxspeedo exists.

and it's probably going to come out this weekend. heaven help us all.