random.idiocies

i gotta give it up for players and bullshitters. first, they do such things with a clear conscience. second, they get away with it and usually the victim doesn't know until AFTER the who case took place.

i start this blog out this way just because i can. i'm in an unusual state of mind today...and i need to write it all down. everything in my head. and guys...it's a lot. i haven't the slightest clue where it's all coming from, but i'm going to try to just type...and let if flow.

i'm thankful for derek being a good friend and being completely honest with me. i appreciate that i have this man in my life...who's willing to show me the part of me i won't see for myself. i appreciate your views on my past relationship...and you talking to me about shit like you did this morning...brought reality to my front door. i love you man.

i do miss cady. i miss what i had with her...and the routine that made everything so god damn perfect. i miss waking up to her, and going to sleep next to her. i know that it's all in the past and to move on...and i'm doing so. everyonceinawhile...things sneak up on me. i'm moving forward and away from you. i know you're happier now and i'm happy for you for that. i've gotta make myself happy and stop thinking about you and i'm doing so.

i went out last night. hung out with a great person. i don't know what tomorrow might bring. but i did enjoy coffee.

i hate how i feel the need to get everyone's approval on things before i do it. i'm going to stop doing that. i don't wanna party. i don't wanna drink. i just wanna live my life...take care of my little girl...and eventually get a family going. that's all. and as much of a social person as i am...this has to take precidence.

i'm scared of having to have surgery for sleep apnea. i don't want to.

i wish i was making more money...just so jillian could have everything.

i'm in a good place in my heart. and in life. i DO feel more upbeat about things. i feel free to an extant.

i wanna live at the coast. i want that lifestyle. i think it'd work good on me.

i need to have faith more. in myself...and just in general.




imma end things here. i need to work. you need to stop reading my issues. lol.